Leaving Santa Barbara...

In a way I've been afraid to blog for a while now... Because I know myself so well. I know how attached I get to my stories and that once they are typed I cannot NOT post them. And I've been crazy terrified of what stories I might decide to type. It's like I'm scared of our truth and the messiness of life and the last year because I haven't wanted to hurt or offend anyone.

Part of being married to a pastor, even being just the proverbial "youth pastor's wife" is knowing when to shut up. This is something that comes with the territory and has never been exactly in my wheel house.

I am going to write this from my perspective as a wife, mom, business owner, friend and lover of Jesus.

The last 8 months have been hard for us. Like tears and snot dripping from the nose hard (well that part's mainly been me).

Ending 2013 in Orcutt and starting 2014 in Santa Barbara, Shawn and I felt like we had the world at our finger tips. We may have been leaving our beloved Orcutt... A town we had grown fond of over 5 years; birthed both babies in, purchased a home in and had made life-long friends in... But we were moving to a place with "city life", the beach as our front yard and back in to the church denomination we came from- all things we yearned for.

The idea of Santa Barbara seemed perfect... Everything was looking up for us and the possibilities seemed endless. Location wise, it was an hour closer to our family in LA and it wasn't far from our friends in Orcutt- a win win all around.

Fast forward to now, 15 months later and bluntly put: Santa Barbara hasn't worked out for us. I feel like when I've said that statement to keep things light to those who've asked why we're moving... I get a look of complete bewilderment from a lot of people. Which I get... It's literally a gorgeous place to live (sandwiched between the beach and the mountains). "The Littlest Big City in the World" they say. How could you not be drawn to that, it all sounds likely perfect. Perfect... There is a lot of perfect in this town and well...

We are not perfect. We don't try to be perfect. We embrace the imperfect... Hell, we eat Hot N' Ready Pizza more times a month than I care to admit.

Making friends in this town (and I realize now that we were spoiled before) has been painfully hard. For two extroverts who were used to dinner in groups on average 2 times a week... This has been a downright lonely year for us.

As for the people we do call friends here, I am so thankful to have met you and shared church or Spanish Immersion or feeling like out-casts together. The few friends we've made have been life savers, and I truly mean that- you know who you are.

Overall though... In my 34 years of life, I have never felt like more of an outcast since moving here. It has rocked my confidence level in ways I can't explain. Walking in to my daughter's preschool has at times given me something a little short of a panic attack. Not that I don't love the teachers and the actual program... But going to the school has been like living in the movie Mean Girls. And I can't sit with them, just trust me. (Don't worry- they don't know I have a blog).

Moving on!

As much as I love our cute little bungalow home... Living in it the last 6 months has been the most one of the most unideal set ups a family of four (+ dog + classic car) could imagine. A few months after we moved in the house was sold to a new owner who decided adding a third house in between the front house (ours) and the back house would be a great idea. Our garage was torn down and we were completely stripped of our adorable backyard as scaffolding went up in it to build the new home. Yes, you can practically touch the home being built from our back porch. If you knew how much rent we paid for the area of Santa Barbara we live in, you'd likely laugh at us. And please don't ask why we didn't just buy a house... Google "Santa Barbara housing prices" for that answer. I don't want to say it was NEVER going to happen... but there was a 99.999% chance of that never ever happening. Like, ever.

My business has not "taken off" like we were sure it would. If anything- people from Orcutt like missed me or something and my clientele picked up there. Oh... The irony! I couldn't get people in Santa Barbara to hire me to save my life this last year. It is a very loyal customer base- if I heard this once I heard it a million times. "Once you're in, you're in"... "Give it three years" and "donate parties to the rich people"... Welp. No. None of those are going to work. It hasn't happened and it's been incredibly humbling.

Lastly... The job (Youth Pastor) Shawn came for. While in the end, Santa Barbara has not been the fit we were hoping for... I've learned a lot about my faith through the church and will never regret our decision to come here because of that.

As some of you know I was raised in a charismatic/fundamentalist church. In my late 20's and early 30's I came to resent so much of that fact. I decided I wanted to be, "the opposite kind of Christian" as the church I was raised in. I settled on loving God but [without realizing it completely] hating most Christians. I switched political parties, I stopped doing "cliche Christian things" (like Beth Moore studies)... I made a point to let people know that I was not one of "them". I became bitter towards "the Home School Christians", "the No-Harry-Potter-Christians", "The No-Santa Christians"... It is something I still struggle with but have come a long way with in the last year.

The church we came to Santa Barbara for did something no other church I've attended has done. It showed me a side of Christianity I wanted... And it did it in a healthy way. There wasn't hate or even strife towards the more conservative home-schooling, Santa, Christians... It just wasn't even in the culture of the church. The church embraced deep issues (much too deep for this blog) I hadn't seen Christians at a church I'd attended care about yet.

The problem is... I also learned this year that deep down in my soul- I am still a charismatic... Attending a hymn-loving traditional church. I have a NEED to clap my hands and raise them if I feel lead. I cannot control these aspects of my being, I try to and I fail. If you gave me a flag I cannot promise I would not wave that bad boy in to the air like I just don't care! (Well, maybe not now- but give me 30 years and I AM that lady).

Somehow (God probably had something to do with it) being in a liturgical church the last year has not made me bitter or hateful- it's just opened my eyes to the fact that there are indeed MANY different ways to worship. None is "right"... Just so so different.

I feel like this year has helped Shawn and I figure out our place in ministry and where God is calling us. This has not been an easy decision, if you knew how much I HATED moving you would understand even more how hard of a decision this was to make. It has come with tears and disagreements, utter confusion and so much prayer...

In the end we've decided to return home to the South Bay (Los Angeles) this summer and figure out our next steps there.

We have a road trip lined up after Cormac graduates Kinder- and we're planning to visit lots of friends all over the place. Cormac is on 3 Spanish Immersion waiting lists in the South Bay (none that will top his current school, Adalante Charter School!) and we're prayerful that the Lord will line something up after we return from the road.

If you think of us, we covet your prayers for strength in our marriage during the move (!!!), clarity with our next employment steps... and for our kids to not be totally screwed up from all of this moving.

We're excited for the next journey and looking forward to being near both of our families (babysitters galore, amen hallelujah) and connecting with all of our old friends and introducing our kids to their kids.

We're coming for you LA... I hope you're ready ;)

The O'Briens

(I've got to say that our landlord giving us a 60 Day Notice last night- with a move-out date of exactly Shawn's last day of work... Kind of a nice reminder that we're on the right track. Don't ever ask God for signs if you don't want them... Noted.)

10 Rules for Politely and Properly Attending and Throwing a Holiday Party

I was asked by our local Santa Barbara ParentClick to write a post for their website on the subject of Etiquette & Manners... Well ya don't have to ask me twice! I decided to make it season appropriate with a Holiday Party addition since I know a lot of people are gearing up to attend some form of party this next month- including yours truly! I researched this post quite a bit so if you don't agree with something... Too bad, you're out numbered because someone else thinks it too.

References:
BonAppetit.com
EmilyPost.com
About.com

1.) Sending The Invite
I used to be opposed to sending online invitations but the more of them I get, the more I'm feeling outnumbered on this one. It seems that going digital with an invite might just be the future of invites, boo-hiss... Maybe because in this day and age with email at our finger tips- it's the quickest way to actually hear back from people?! (Oh- don't worry! We're getting to that nasty little 4 letter word you're all thinking of). So there, you have permission to Paperless Post and Evite away! However you choose to communicate you're hosting a party- just be sure you give people notice! Sending a "Save the Date" is the easiest way to do this. A December invite should never go out less than 3 weeks before the party date (preferably a month) and if doing a "Save the Date" you should be looking at 5-6 weeks out.

Card by Tiny Prints

2.) The RSVP
You get an invite- either paper or emailed... And of course, you're crazy busy- aren't we all? It's Christmas time which makes things extra busy and there's just plain not enough time in the day to get it all done... I get it! Sometimes when I get an invite some of these thoughts swirl through my mind... Who else is going, What other invites are coming... Do I have to spend a lot of money to attend... Would I rather be blogging or crafting than hanging out with these people... There are a LOT of reasons not to respond to an invite... And guess what? Unfortunately for you (and me), they're all rude. If there is an RSVP timeline, make note of it! No you shouldn't be RSVPing the day before the party! If you're infamous for losing invites- create a space this holiday season where you will put all of your invites: a cork board, magnet board, just somewhere you know they will be.

DO NOT text, email or call the host the week or God forbid the day of the party and say, "I know your party is soon but I lost the invite so I forgot the day, time and place." You'd be better off not attending and just faking your own death in my opinion. Nothing says, "you're not that important" than "I lost the invite and failed to put any of the info in my planner, phone, etc."

3.) The Hostess Gift
If someone is throwing a party and has invited you- you should by all means, thank them with a hostess gift. As in YES you should ignore the host that says, "Just bring yourself!"... Too many hosts have said that in years past and now the very gracious art of bringing the hostess a gift seems lost. In the same way you wouldn't dare attend a birthday party without a gift (unless they've specifically requested it... And even then I wouldn't listen) I encourage you to not show up to Thanksgiving Dinner, Christmas or New Year's Party without something small, thoughtful and/or alcoholic. Ideas: High-end chocolate, favorite bottle of wine, personalized ornament, small potted plant. A note attached is always a classy addition so they don't forget who brought what- and will remember to invite you to their next bash of course.

4.) Gift Exchange Etiquette
There are quite a few ways to do gift exchanges... And with each one comes a slew of rules to follow. To be honest they can be downright confusing! I'm going to touch the two most obvious ways: White Elephant (aka The Yankee Swap) & Normal Gift Exchange (following a monetary value)... THESE ARE NOT TO BE CONFUSED.

• White Elephant: Your goal is to make the other exchangers laugh, it is all about coming in over-the-top with THE most ridiculous thing you can find- or already own and have been dying to re-gift for this very occasion. In the end it is meant to be funny. Don't come in all over-the-top Michael Scott style with an iPod... Unless you're the boss and it's purposeful, then by all means, do. Just remember: big laughs. One year in my time at Mattel a co-worker of mine hand-bedazzled an amazingly awful bikini... Let's just say that thing was THE most sought after gift going around... And guess who go it... THIS GIRL BABY!

• $25 Gift Exchange: Do not show up with a Jesus candle from the .99 Store thinking it will be ok because it's funny. If you go this route, Jesus better be carrying a $25 gift card to Chipotle... Do you feel me here? Stick to the monetary rule no matter how funny you think your gift is. You see, someone who put together a movie gift card basket (or iPod) may not think the fact that you found an actual white elephant statue for the gift exchange is all that funny... Trust me, I'm speaking from experience here.

5.) Arriving On Time and NOT Early
You know that saying about, "being early is on time, on time is late and late is just unacceptable?" Well, that doesn't apply to parties. Maybe to a job interview but to a party it's just down right annoying. You can ask any party guest that has ever tried to show up to a party of mine even 15 minutes early... I'm not exactly thrilled. Hosts and hostesses are working until the last possible second to ensure everything looks perfect, so don't stress them out with an early arrival! Stroll around the neighborhood looking at the lights for all I care, but don't dare knock on the door...

On another note, do not arrive more than 30 minutes late (I'm being generous here). Just try and be on time. A lot of effort has gone in to this party and it's just polite when people arrive on time.

6.) Day-of-Party Time Management
In the same way I'd hate for a guest to show up early... As the host of the party it is your job to make sure you're planning your decor set up/food arrival/guest arrival accordingly. Hosts can sometimes under estimate the amount of time that goes in to day-of set up. It can be a gruelingly long day (especially if you're doing it without a planner) and a lot of times this puts people way behind schedule. The worst case scenario is you're not ready when your guests arrive- OR your house isn't ready- both look sloppy. Don't make guests feel like they have to pitch in and help set up... That's your job as the hostess. And please, PLEASE- the day before, or morning of- allow time to either deep clean your home or have it professionally cleaned. Bathrooms should be spotless. It's just part of throwing a party- everything should look guest-ready and in tip-top shape.

7.) Control the Liquor
Look, we're all looking to have a fabulous night out, especially with a date like 12.13.14 quickly approaching us on a Saturday in December... I myself have been invited to a Christmas Party and I couldn't be more excited to get out with my husband and no kids! But people, have some manners! Do not show up tipsy. And do not get wasted. You can get tipsy while at the party... But do not leave the party wasted. Tipsy is still in control. Do not let yourself lose control of your words, your bodily fluids or your volume control- ESPECIALLY, I repeat especially if you are at a company party. There is always going to be one boss there who's not feeling "Little Miss (/Mr.) Loud & Drunk”.

8.) Your Email Can Wait
Nothing says, "I'd rather not be at your lame party" than being on your phone 1/2 of it. If you absolutely need to check your email then you should do so in the bathroom. If you want to get an Instagram photo up asap: snap it and upload... If you need to edit the photo and hashtag it to the moon and back, take a tinkle break.

9.) Time to Say Ba-Bye!
Don't overstay your welcome at Thanksgiving dinner, a Holiday Party or an Open House. Be aware of an end time and when people start leaving the party. Create an appropriate exit strategy yourself, thanking the host/hostess before of course. If you'd like to stick around and offer to help clean (especially appropriate for Thanksgiving) then genuinely offer that to the host and see if it's a welcomed gesture. Otherwise say your thank you's and goodbyes before the hostess puts on her robe and starts brushing her teeth.

10.) Thank You Notes
I know, I know... I'm getting crazy now! As with the RSVP and Hostess Gift it seems that the Thank You Note is at the top of this list of the "gracious lost arts"... Especially around the holidays! I'm not saying you have to send a thank you for every hostess gift you received but I am saying that if someone went out of their way to buy you something special... The most proper and polite thing to do is to thank them by taking the time to write a note and making sure they get it (writing it and leaving it in a pile does no good by the way).

No matter how busy you are, a handwritten (not texted, not emailed) thank you is the classiest way to show your gratitude... Don't forget this! A note goes a long way in making someone feel appreciated.

On the other side, if you've attended a holiday party- you should also consider sending a thank you note, or at the very least a follow up email, text or call within 24 hours of the party thanking the host for putting together something so splendid and being thoughtful enough to invite you.

Okay, now that we've got "the rules" out of the way... Remember to go shopping for something party-fabulous! By all means always show up to a holiday party dressed-to-impress... It's not everyday you get this opportunity!

You can consider than my bonus tip ;)

Enjoy the Holidays!

xo Party or Die xo

kenna

Does Your Business Have 'True Grit'?

A couple of weeks ago I was asked to speak on the alumni panel for the incoming class of Women's Economic Ventures (incase you're new, I graduated from this program, otherwise known as WEV, in May). When I first got the email I was like, "Whaaat... Why meee?" I'd dreamed of being asked while I was in WEV- but that was early on when I must have been high on learning or something...

Since very little of the business plan I wrote has actually played out since graduating I was honestly fearful I'd look like a failure in front of the new class of incoming business owners. I literally didn't want to do it. But a fellow graduate made  encouraged me to say yes as a way to get practice talking about my business here in Santa Barbara.

So I did... And it gave me the exact motivation I needed.

There were things said on this alumni panel that I needed to hear from the other grads (most had been graduated for a while- so there was wisdom)... and things that I needed to hear myself say as a reminder that I still wanted to do Miss Party Mom. The past few months were unregrettably all about the kids, but Fall was upon us and it was obvious to me that I'd lost my entrepreneurial eagerness while building sandcastles all summer...

The WEV panel gave me the ability to once again grab hold of some business truths because here is what I realized... NEWSFLASH! The other panel members- they had worked hard for their success- they'd hustled to get to where they were! They hit the pavement, shaking hands and holding babies... Networking the heck out of Santa Barbara until they were able to meet someone would be throw them a bone.

And I had to ask myself... Kenna, have you done this? Have you met anyone outside of your comfort zone? Have you told key players you're even a party planner? When I started pondering these questions- I realized, WOW... I haven't done anything since graduating the program to help secure new clients, other than updating the pricing on my website and hoping people would stumble upon it (which I still hope!) and... wait for it... Complaining about how much I hate networking! I honestly would LOVE to operate like Mindy Weiss on a "clients find me" basis- as I feel that my work speaks for itself and I hate telling strangers how awesome I am...

BUT.

In a town where I'm new that has about as many seasoned party planners as it has children... I realized that if I want this business to launch here (and not rely on Santa Maria and Los Angeles for parties) then yes, I was going to need what fellow panel-alumni and Santa Barbara photographer, Rachel Thurston panel kept calling, "TRUE GRIT".

True Grit... In non-definition like terms is when you're willing to do anything to make it happen- not giving up- even when you're not getting the results you want. Essentially true grit is pushing through the slow times and doing the things you dislike doing- all for the growth of your business.

I started wondering while Rachel was talking... Do I have true grit? I was on an alumni panel... I should have true grit!?

For me this means meeting people outside of my circle, finding ways to collaborate with other businesses, doing some volunteer work to help me get noticed, figuring out great advertising opportunities, donating to the right fundraisers... Just plain getting out there... and not giving up.

I was taking notes in my head as the other grads spoke... My mind was blown by what they had to say about their success! Scott Linde, creator of Sunpotion told the class, "In my business' infancy- I'd meet people everywhere- in the Vons Grocery store line! Anywhere I could pass out business cards I would. I'd promote my business to anyone who would listen... Because you never know who they might know and how they might be willing to help you..."

GULP. I hadn't even passed out business cards in the children's boutiques on State Street! I'd actually avoided handing people business cards as to not come across as annoying or pushy.

Oh Kenna...

You've got A LOT of work to do.

I must say that since that alumni panel I have been working my butt of networking MPM the most I ever have. Meeting with wedding planners, store owners, well-connected moms... I've met with more people in the last few weeks than I have in my 8 months living in Santa Barbara. I came to the conclusion that if I quit now (out of frustration with not penetrating Santa Barbara) then I won't be able to say I gave it my all. And have I mentioned I'm not a quitter?

The crazy thing is that the more I network, the easier it gets... Which I honestly never thought I'd say. With each contact I make- a little more of the business-Kenna shines threw... She's in there somewhere! It's just getting her to come out and play and stop being that weird creative girl who just wants to sew canopies and play with the hot glue gun...

Here's to all of us solopreneurs, mommypreneurs and just straight entrepreneurs having what it takes: True Grit... May we look back on this time and say, "Damn I worked hard to get to wear I'm at- and I'm proud of myself for it!"

xo Party or Die xo

kenna

The Summer I Decided to be an Awesome Mom

I honestly can't even remember how I ever had time to run a blog. My days right now are jam packed every. single. day. The "blogging time" I used to keep in my life just isn't there anymore... And in a one way it's so freeing. If I'm honest I actually never had time to sit and blog. I've always been busy- I was born busy. I'm an closet overcommitter in the worst way possible.

But I used to MAKE time for the blog- literally shoving it in to my day, where it did not fit. Blogging at the most inopportune times because I had to- I was committed to being a "blogger". Most times I would I sit and write in the mornings while the kids were up and needing my attention (a great way to start the morning!). I'd have a subject I needed to get out that I was too tired to finish the night before and so I'd ignore the kids and spit out the blog. I'd turn in to "mean blogging mom" for about 2 hours, trying my best to edit it (with my non-literature background) and spending copious amounts of time uploading all my supporting photos. On most occasions shoving blogging in to a day turned me in to somewhat of a Hulk like figure where if anything got in my way or line of consciousness I'd likely loose my mind.

I've mentioned on here many times that prior to having kids, I was never the type of woman who dreamed about her future children. I didn't have names picked out or outfits saved in a hope chest. Prior to getting married I wasn't even sure if I wanted kids because I had such a strong desire for being a successful career woman and doing things.... like blogging. And blogging well. Often times today, I want nothing more than to just sit and blog. Or create something without distraction. But that is not my lot in life right now. My lot in life, by my own doing- is to stay home with the kids with a loose goal of trying to raise a couple of decent humans. As much as I love to work (seriously, I am a classic work-a-holic) and plan parties (the ultimate work)... I'm finally owning the fact that I desire more to be in control of how my kids are raised. (I am also a classic control freak.)

I decided this summer that while the kids were going to be home with me, I wasn't going to be my infamous "mean blogging mom" self who didn't have time for books or legos while I was writing. Instead I made a conscious decision to try and be my most present version of mom yet. I was going to try and embrace new things that most moms loved and have somehow skipped over me. (I blame my childhood or something.)

All in all I must say, summer '14 was pretty amazing. I was pretty amazing. As a mom. I was actually a pretty amazing mom this summer. Such a crazy statement because in all honesty motherhood does not come naturally to me. I am the last one to ever call myself amazing in the mom category. You have never heard me gush about motherhood or breastfeeding or all of the crap that usually makes me want to run far, far away from a mom group (or unfollow an IGer).

But this summer- this summer I kind of killed it. Sure, there were a few rough days while Shawn took two week long trips- but for the most part we had a great two and a half months full of beach days (I hate the beach), exploring new parks (hated slightly less that the beach), a million trips to the zoo (I now know the animals by name... I hate animals), swimming at the YMCA (I hate swimming and pretty much water in general) and so many trips to Yogurtland the employees would talk to us like we were old friends... (I love Yogurtland). Oh- and aside from that one trip to the Y where the water was actually below zero and I was terribly cranky about it- I don't think the kids would ever guess that I didn't love the beach, pool, parks and zoo. What I'm trying to say is that I harnessed the ability to focus on them instead of the sand all over my car, my ruined curly wet hair, and those park kids I have no control of who bring weapons to fight with (Hey- little shit! Put away the sword and try the monkey bars, eh?)

As of this week, both kids are back in school. Although I was so ready for Cormac to be in Kindergarten full time- like truly very ready -without an ounce of hesitation in sending him, I still spent half of his first day looking at old pics of him and making Instagram photo collages of him on his #firstdayofschool. Which made me feel universally connected to moms everywhere... A complete and total rarity.

With the kids both back in school and a whopping 12 hours a week to myself without anyone asking me for juice (and only one child a chunk of the rest of the time) I've realized once again that I live a busy life and there's just no two ways about it. I like to act like we're free to hang out anytime because I love coming across all mellow like that. But with networking for MPM, coaching Cormac's AYSO team, volunteer work for his school... I'm coming to the realization that- as I once read on an Instagram bio: "Wife. Mom. Blogger. Addicted to Busy." YES. I AM ADDICTED TO BUSY. If I had the mellow life I'm so desperate to convince you we lead... I'm pretty sure I'd be bored to tears. I love busy. I love projects. I love having full, productive days.

Which is all the more reason I'm happy that this summer I used my powers for good and was addicted-to-busy with the kids. Because I could have pumped out blogs, sewing projects and styled shoots. The work-a-holic in me would have loved that.

But I didn't- and I'm proud of myself for that. See, you can teach an old dog new tricks!

xo Party or Die xo

kenna

(And our foreign exchange student Mo came to visit, so that was awesome.)

Teaching My Kids About Racial Equality

Sometimes I think about things I'd like to write about, simply just touch on- on this blog- and then I think to myself, "Kenna, you're essentially a party blog, you most definitely should not write about that..." And I don't. I'm usually good at listening to myself. This should probably be one of those times.

But it's not. Today I'm going to talk about my desire to teach my kid's racial equality- and I'm not even going to be funny in the process. This is definitely not party planner blogging. Maybe I need another blog for something of this nature... But for now, this is what I got. So if you were looking for a cute party, you might wanna check out the 1000's of other blogs doing that right now- or come back next week.

As an intro to where I'm going with this post- I'm going to touch on some of my own upbringing as a child. A real get-to-know-your-[favorite?]-blogger moment is coming your way... Brace yourself.

I've mentioned before that I was born in Inglewood, Ca and raised in Hawthorne, Ca. Obviously, for a white girl like myself- being raised as the minority all the way through my high school years- has shaped a big part of who I am. And now, at 33 years old- I can honestly say I wouldn't change it for the world.

If you would have asked me that my Freshman year of high school, when I came home crying for a month straight, begging my mom if I could, "go to the white school" I wouldn't believe that I'd be saying that. I was dead set on getting out of a place where I felt ostracized for my skin color. Where the nicknames, "wedda" and "whitegirl" were not sitting well within my soul. I yearned for El Segundo... That glistening town 10 minutes away where there was no graffiti. No ghetto birds. No riots. While it was close in proximity- it was far, far away in reality.

That Freshman year my mom told me in a nut shell that I was nuts, I was not going to another school because we lived directly across the street from Hawthorne High, our zoned school- where I would learn to fit in. She reminded me that I was a likeable girl and I was going to meet people running track, I just needed to be patient and wait for the season to start. And you know what, she was right... I waited- and I made friends. I made a ton of friends. I was well-liked and decided I loved all of my nicknames and I took pride in being one of the only (if not THE only) white girl on my track team.

While I had a couple of white friends in high school from as far back as elementary, I mainly hung out with my new Hispanic and black friends. I spent my afterschool days eating homemade pupusas and flan. We went down to Mexico on the weekends with my friend's parents to go dancing. I had my hair braided in corn rows for my Senior prom. I went through many stages trying to fit in and figure out who I was in a sea of amazingly tan skin... When all I could do was burn.

Although I grew out of my Spanish accent (it was gooood) at my core I felt like I was either Mexican or black most days. I felt connected to other races (Asians, Tongans, Samoans) much more than I did to my own Irish skin. I floated between groups of friends forgetting all together that I'd ever felt like an outcast upon entering high school. Learning to get along with everyone was in hindsight, a gift.

One of the beautiful things about being raised in the ghetto is that no one is better than anyone else. That is something I really value learning at a young age- that I wasn't entitled because I was white. This is something I desperately hope to impart on my children.

Which brings me to our current state. We've moved in to a primarily Hispanic community on Santa Barbara's East Side. Which didn't faze me upon arrival... "These are my people", I thought to myself when signing our lease. "I will have no problem making friends". To a point I am impressed with my naivety and optimism. Because it has not been easy. While I may feel a close connection to the Hispanic community- they have not necessarily felt that same connection to me, or my family.

And I could delve in to so many reasons here about the how and why I think this is but instead I will keep it simple and say that in my short time here I've realized I wouldn't be overly welcoming of the white family in town if I were Hispanic either. Just the ways in which I've seen or heard white people talk to or about the Hispanic community is embarrassing to me as a white person. There is so much hate and I want to break that down and be different. I want my kids to be different.

One of the most important things I want for my kids is for them to understand that they're not better than anyone because of where they were born or what language they speak. I never want them to see race as a barrier in making friends. Even when it's uncomfortable. When Cormac starts school in August I am sure he is going to have many uncomfortable moments as a white kid in a Spanish Immersion school. And it's scary to think about a 5 year old feeling left out. But you know what- nothing great was ever easy.

I want to be able to say I gave my children an understanding of equality and real life. Part of the reason I was scared to death of raising my kids in our old town is because I didn't want my kids thinking the world is made up of middle/upper class white people. I'm comfortable saying I've seen what kind of adult that produces and I'm not interested in raising that person. I'm not saying it's inevitable, but in my experience, the outlook wasn't looking promising.

It's simple- love and respect for all people- shouldn't we all want that?

End rant.

kenna

A few days after I originally wrote this, my kids made friends with our neighbors...