Enticing title, huh? Good, because I've only got one pic- so I'm hoping that title really makes up for it.
I've pretty much been in hiding for a month now. Not from the blog, obviously... But more like from humans. Party season came and went and I thought after that was over I'd want to reconnect with every friend I ever ignored. And that hasn't been the case. Far from it actually.
I woke up this morning and thought about calling a good friend that I haven't seen in a couple weeks. I got to thinking of all the things that we could potentially talk about and the fear that I'd probably say something very Kenna-esque and possibly hurtful zapped out the desire to ever make that phone call.
Not like I ever plan to be harsh- my opinions just tend to come out that way... and so to avoid it I've been more hermit-like than usual. Which is so not me. Why can't I just be all gentle and quiet like I'm "supposed" to be?
I just want to be understood (isn't that all anyone wants?) and sometimes in this town, a town I am very much 'not from', I feel like that simple desire is almost impossible. Since moving to Orcutt, I have felt like the odd [wo]man out. There are times I've rejoiced in this and times when I hate it so much I just want to avoid every mom in town- even my friends.
For starters, almost everyone I know here is Christian. Yaaay... When we moved here I thought that aspect of life would be so cool. "Think of all of the things we'll have in common!" Said me never since moving here. There is nothing like a group of Christian moms to make you realize that just because you love Jesus... you still don't really have that much in common.
There are days I just need to have friends where I can say the word SHIT without ever looking for the rewind button. Days I want to say things that have been stuck in the back of my mind without littering it with every apology I know. I just want to be ME... not the me that fits in with every other mom, with the clean house and kids who always listen and #mymarriagerocks! hashtags... But ME, right now. I want to be able to tell my kids to "hurry up" without feeling like I just said the two words that have been recently made known- NO mom should say...
ANYONE? GET ME?
I don't want to feel like saying the word, "blessed" is my ticket to being understood. That word has suddenly become so very annoying to me. I cannot handle Christianese in any form anymore. I cannot handle the Christian bubble. Right now in my life, I am so sensitive to "the bubble" for a number of reasons.
It has become so clear to me as Cormac's gotten older that I don't want any part in raising children to be "perfect little Christians." I'm over that idea. I want to raise rebels who love Christ and who get people thinking... and if they say, "sucks" or "freaking"... that's OK with me. Maybe someone who doesn't know Christ will actually listen to them.
Some days I long for my old friends who know me inside and out and accept me as I am. If I'm honest... I miss my old clique I guess.
In the past few years I've been utterly annoyed by moms who all think the same- and now I hate to admit it, I am one of them with my own set of think-the-same friends... and I get it. Life is easier when you surround yourself with a bunch of like-minded people...
So much so that in the last year I feel like I've created a long list in my head of things my friends should agree with me on... and it's really becoming apparent lately. It's quite disturbing, even to me- the list creator! It's something I need to acknowledge... and fix.... Because hello- I cannot be friends with a bunch of clone-Kenna's. But goodness my life would be so much easier- and I'd get all the validation I ever wanted!
Schooling is a huge subject where I live, maybe everywhere. It could be I'm just realizing it because Cormac will be starting Kindergarten next year. Well, this shouldn't be a shock if you already know me, but we are very-much choosing public school, as in the public school in our neighborhood where he is zoned to go. Maybe one day I will be bold enough to write about why I think that is an important decision. As a Christian in our town, this is almost unheard of to choose public over the very popular private school or the number of home school co-ops. I find myself feeling like I can't bring this topic up in most of my friend-groups for fear that I won't be understood or that I'll offend everyone with my opinions. I feel like I am so the odd-man out on this topic... that well, I'd rather just hang out with my clone friends because it's easier.
Politics? Oh, let's not even go there. It's impossible, I've given up.
I am considering not even joining our local bible study, which I've done for years, because I don't want to be annoyed with the constant home school and private school conversations... littered with political jousts at our President and how one party is literally, the only possible way to go.
I mean, how am I even still a Christian?
And why am I so annoyed? I used to love differences in people... but since having kids the differences have become so polarizing. And not being in the "in-crowd" clique is actually a bit harder than it was in high school... In high school cliques are expected... in adult life, well... I wasn't quite expecting this. And not to say I don't have a clique. I do. It's small, so small that on some days it only has one member... one member who prefers to craft and blog than talk about her "children being blessings." Not that I don't think they are but I have other things to talk about.
It's probably about time I really sat down with the President of my clique {Myself?} and did a little self evaluation. But I'm perfect, why would I ever need to self evaluate...
It's a good thing we're going on vacation soon... maybe I can take some time to think about how I'm contributing to the tension with {mainly Christian} moms in this town. If you don't feel it, maybe you're not in a clique. And good for you, seriously... Can we hang out and start our own clique?
*Did I mention my husband is a pastor? Oh, I didn't... maybe for good reason...
*Did I mention my husband is a pastor? Oh, I didn't... maybe for good reason...
 |
| Do I see a clique a formin'? |
I actually almost didn't read this post due to the title.... I thought it would be a very, very different post. Bravo. I appreciate seeing a Christian come out on this side of things. In all honesty, I believe this is what Christianity should look like-- imperfect, accepting, and all about LOVING people.
ReplyDeleteI grew up Christian and learned that it was to be like Christ, yet I didn't see that in the people I was surrounded with at my Christian school or church. I still cringe when friends on Facebook share their love of Christ followed by hateful messages about the people that surround us. It isn't Christlike at all.
I am no longer a Christian. But, I'd like to believe I lead a good life that is encouraging, loving, and kind. Good luck on the response on this one lady-- I applaud it.
You were the first of many people to mention I should have re-thought the title for a broader audience... Damn... Next time ;)
DeleteI am sure we get annoyed with the same type of Christians and the same exact status updates. I cringe.
Jesus was so punk rock, he partied with sinners and non-believers, which I think some Christians forget. I try and remember that I can't line my views of God up with my view of humans and all of our (my) shortcomings... although it's hard not to, I'll be the first to admit it.
I added to the title. I hope you are happy.
DeleteUm, we need to be friends.
ReplyDeleteAll of it.
Every word.
Hard to make friends in this town.
For real.
Do you live in Orcutt? No way.
DeleteKenna,
ReplyDeleteBest posting ever. I can relate. With my magazine, I also have the responsibility of selling advertisement. In hence, I'm going to all the surf industry events, hanging out with surf stars, surfing a lot, and networking my balls off. Ten years ago if I knew who I knew now, I'd would of skorched my OP's. Word gets out I can actually surf, boom I get a box of clothes. Now, I feel obligated to wear this stuff. Shawn and I used to be "over" the industry. I remember one time burning surf t-shirts in his backyard where meatball used to roam. All these industry people who don't get it, pay my bills (barely). I miss the days of bronze and OP's where the sound of a shitty cover band got Sheddy on the dance floor. But then again, my experience from the last 15 years gives me the upper hand in sorting out bullshit. I love that you got Shawn to ditch the faded florescent swim trunks. They had to go! Keep up the good work. Much love Edfactor.
Shawn had to break this all down for me and now I totally get it. You two really do share a brain on so many things...
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDo you live in my town?
ReplyDeleteWow, I am amazed at how everything you posted, I could have written. I am not from here, the town is very Church Oriented, we are constantly in a fight with the Freedom people about public prayer.
I think you should be able to pray where ever you wish, and if someone joins in, oh well, the more the merrier. But obviously not all think that way and it is a constant debate.
Politics run rampant in my office because ONE person is a democrat and LOVES everything the president does. Funny, 9 out of 10 times he is arguing with no one, because no one else has time to discuss it.
The fact that I consistently say "I have no friends" because work relations are work relations and not friends, this bothers others.
"Oh pish posh, yes you do have friends! I am your friend!"
"No, you aren't! Have you been to my house? If you had been to my house at all, was I wearing pj's, no make up, my hair in a ponytail and my house a mess on the weekend because I wanted to sit and drink coffee instead of getting up and getting started? Were you okay with that? You are not my friend, how many times have I called you and said OMG you should see what I just made!! You are my work relation who I see from 8-5 and occasionally at a school function because one of yours and one of mine are the same age. No, you are not my friend, we don't go out to eat, we don't make plans and we don't follow through with any of the "oh we should do that one day" conversations we have had. No you are not my friend." Ugh
So, you see, I understand. Funny thing though, all the high school girls I hung out with grew up and away and back again and are the #i'machristian #mykidsarebest #idoeverythingright type of people and I don't miss most of them.
So... :) Hi friend, sounds like you and I, if you lived in my town, would be sharing coffee, crafts and lunches.
Thanks for the post!
After this post I might only have cyber friends (let's hope that's not true!) so I may need to call you a friend ;)
DeleteI wrote a post but I re-read it and it didn't make sense. I will follow up later. Great post though and can fully relate!!
ReplyDeleteI actually "got" it. I'm glad you can relate, as if I didn't know we could relate ;)
DeleteFirst, L.O.L. @ "Christianese"! I thought I was the only person that used that term, lol. I totally (almost, mostly) feel you and where you're coming from. I don't have the Stepford Christian Wives Club to contend with but I really do understand feeling "off" about what this Christian walk REALLY means and how can I do it effectively. Ppl need to realize, Jesus did not come to save Christians. He came to offer hope to sinners and if we are to be like Him, we need to be relate-able in some way to our target audience. I am very recently coming into accepting my, um, "me-ness". There's something about the way I'm wired that is supposed to bless and inspire and help someone else; so, me being some kinda clone is pointless and a waste. If I can offer any solace or advice, I'd say, stop looking at the "Christians", and just focus on looking at and imitating the Christ. They (sadly) may bear no resemblance whatsoever at times. But in your own unique, quirky way, God is using you and if even one person is drawn to Him through your transparency, then you are doing "Christian" right. Just my 17 cents. :-) Be blessed ;-) (I kid, i kid, lol)
ReplyDeleteLove this comment all around, very encouraging. Fave line, "Jesus did not come to save Christians". AMEN to that sister. Second fave line, "Be blessed"...
DeleteI didn't grow up in a religious household and I have never really embraced it, and for the exact reasons you stated it's so hard to. How am I supposed to mesh with a social group that will pretty much think I'm a horrible person?
ReplyDeleteI feel like too much of being a "Good Christian" is centered around not cursing, no sex before marriage and making it to Church every Sunday. I think these are okay things to express, but what about not judging and treating people the way you would want to be treated? I meet so many Children who stick their noses up at my kids because their parents have gotten them into the habit of judging.
I'm being told I'm not a good person because I am not married to their father, even though I make sure they are dressed, cleaned and fed. I love them and my marital status doesn't hamper that.
Our oldest is even in AWANA. I've avoided any contact with other parents because it's so uncomfortable and awkward. I'm waiting for someone there to hear, "Oh, she's not my real mom. That's Kirsten." and realize I'm not married to their father. Are the kids going to get ostracized for a decision we made that should really not matter?
Thank you for posting. Being a Christian who is an artist I understand.I am grateful for those time when I was under the wing of a strict Christian church that taught me discipline for a time. (I grew up Christian as well)However being a creative person means you have to express yourself! Also being as you are interested in many subjects its nice to be able to converse about politics if you want and not feel shunned. Everything in the world shapes us. We wxperience it and we need to feel it and analize it. We all need to have good friends we can be ourselves with. The best of both worlds is where intellect meets faith. God doesnt want us to be passive he wants us to get out there and share the word and make a difference. Of course we make mistakes along the way, but that is human nature.
DeleteI understand what your saying and I understand the isolation of not conforming. Keep up the good work!
S
Kirsten,
DeleteThanks for a great comment. These things you speak of: not cursing, no sex before marriage, church every Sunday... yes, I understand it all... I was raised strictly to believe these very things (not really by my parents- more by the church we attended). As I grew older I sensed there was something more to God than a set of rules and all the legalism I was taught, more than the FIRE & BRIMSTONE baby! I'm now 33 and the number of people I know who have left Christianity because they just couldn't "keep up" with all of the perfection- well, it speaks volumes at how we're doing- the church as a whole.
I hope you will not give up on seeking out God because some people are blind to how their hasty judgements affect others. We're not all so bad, I promise...
Dear Shannon,
DeleteYes- I make mistakes in the things I say every day. I put my foot in mouth all too often trying to get across a "different view", but I'm a work in progress and I will not ever conform! Artists usually don't ;)
You're so welcome! My Partner (since he is far more than a 'boyfriend') was raised by very strict conservative parents and ended up getting married young to someone he didn't really love because that's what he thought he had to do. While I'm not very spiritual I do participate in whatever activities he asks me to (I.E. AWANA, the rare times his work schedule isn't on a Sunday, Bible reading with the kids) and I do enjoy myself.
DeleteAnd yes, you can bet his parents are unhappy about our 'situation', but even though they judge, they do recognize that I only mean well and this is all out of love. In the end I believe that's what the Bible and the message of God is - To Love.
Bravo to this posting. I just want to let you know that I applaud you for writing this. I live in a big town so I don't have to deal with what you are, but I can only imagine how it feels. We shouldn't have to conform to what other people think is right. You should be able to be yourself and not worry about people's judgement. Unfortunately, the "die-hard Christians" are sometimes the most critical and judgmental and I will never understand that. Keep up the good work and I will pray for you. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! Today after posting this I had to think very hard for all the things I am thankful for in this small town. Because, on most days- it is a great place. Other weeks I feel claustrophobic, I guess this was one of them ;)
DeleteI'm curious to know your reasons for having Cormac in public school! We are definitely planning that for our kids, but I haven't fully fleshed out all my reasons for it yet. Except that it doesn't help our kids to isolate them from the real world.
ReplyDeleteLet's hang out after you get back from vacation (I'm so busy this week!), I need your advice on how stupid I am to want to start a business in something I know almost nothing about (flipping that theater). xox
Gosh I can't believe we haven't had the PUBLIC SCHOOL talk. OMGGEEEE... how did we miss that? Where WAS my soap box? Without turning away too many people before they totally fall in love with me... I'd like to quote this above person's comment, "Jesus did not come to save Christians"
DeleteMy dear, you are brilliant, beautiful and NORMAL! If the ladies in your town are "step-ford" types it's best you stay away. Actually, they really need a woman like you to shake them up. to be phony is unhealthy. For a Christian, it's means they are dead inside (fear. not knowing who you are in Christ) Stand on that foundation and no can will be able to intimidate you. Go for that like your life depends on it.(I promise it's worth it.)
ReplyDeleteBe who God made you to be. Be free. Ask our Lord God to help you be who He made you to be w/o fear. And yes, maybe you need to dial back sometimes, but do this with freedom in Christ. Not in bondage. I always have loved you. You are so special and precious. now... STOP HIDING, ha! ~Ruth
Thanks Ruth... I don't know if any of it is particularly phony, per say- it's just so different than how I see Christianity. I am going to come out of hiding after Cabo I think...
Deleteplease come over for some "real" wine and "real" whine any old time. love you friend and remember, I will never be sorry you moved to Orcutt.
ReplyDeleteI like what you did there with that wine and whine... more like whiinnnnnne... but you know I only drink champagne ;)
Deletethank you SO much for posting this! this is literally everything ive been too afraid to say for so long. i went through the EXACT same thing when we lived in prescott. i had to hide LITERALLY ever aspect of my personality from the women at our church (because they were always happy and had perfect marriages and NEVER drank, swore, or listened to secular music that wasnt mumford and sons) and i ended up completely isolated with no outlet to be myself (also the church we went to was terrible and i was really lost spiritually). after a few months i had a COMPLETE mental and emotional breakdown that lasted almost two years, honestly im still fighting my way out of it, but thankfully we got out of there and at least i can wear a tube top and buy a bottle of wine without causing a local scandal. but i still dont have a clique. can i be in your clique?
ReplyDeleteGASP- A TUBE TOP?!!! Lord help her.
DeleteOk, first you go and take my marriage story and now you're gonna go and take my spiritual breakdown story? WTH?
I never even knew Christians had a hard time with marriage until the last 2 years... imagine 5 years of thinking I was the only one struggling... Interesting.
You are officially jumped in to my ONLINE MPM CLIQUE, we have champagne every Saturday night. (I made that up)
Oh, and next time I'm in LA we should get our monsters together and have them tear some shit up.
oh kenna, nobodys marriage story is as crazy as yours... but seriously, i think we were just meant to be friends. we should totally hang out next time your in town! but only if we can let the kids eat french fries and drink non-organic juice and watch more than 30 minutes of tv.
DeleteI don't even know you, and I like you a whole lot! This resonated with me so much, especially since I just finished posting a huge rant about living a life that's actually real on my own blog just a little while ago and this topic of 'Stepford Christianity' is something that's been weighing on me heavily.
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty and reality about all this, and this post encouraged me so much. You are the kind of Christian that this world needs, one that is actually real. <3
-Steffany
So very, very relatable on so many levels. I could write an entire blog in total agreement & why. Instead, I will give you a virtual high five & tell you, well said.
ReplyDeleteThank you- I love a good virtual high five! It's all I've got these days! ;)
DeleteI have no clique but I do have a variety of friends; keeps me grounded. I love Jesus and He loves me. What anyone else thinks . . . not really sure if I care anymore. What did Dr. Suess say? I am what I am . . . You know you don't have to go far from home for non clique friendship. And I don't care what school you do or don't put your kids in and I wouldn't care, if I were you, about what people think about your choice. That is up to you and Shawn - and that is all. No one else. Amy, I will drink your wine and bring champagne for Kenna. Let's hook it up and enjoy each other's company and our individuality.
ReplyDeleteMIranda Lambert sings a song that says. "I heard Jesus he drank wine and I bet we'd get along just fine." I have days were the alcohol outways the food purchase at Fresh and Easy were every mom I ever knew happens to be shopping at. I just smile and wave. Small towns have benefits. Think about how much it gives you to blog about : )
Yes, small towns do have benefits... one of them is that we're neighbors! Now let's go have that wine/champagne night with Amy!
DeletePRETTY picture~ that wasn't there when I replied the other day!
ReplyDeleteI don't know you but I happened upon your blog. You speak the truth, period. "Christianese" and the judgement that comes with it has pushed many people far away from Christ. Good for you for choosing to be exactly who you are.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I tried choosing to be someone else... it just wasn't working for me ;)
DeletePlease come move to my neighborhood. Pretty please? Love this post and can identify with so, so much of it. Amen!
ReplyDeleteWell, if I knew where you lived... that would make it easier...
Delete