|Bikenstalks (real btw- thrift shop score!) and socks. You're welcome.|
Or so I thought. Since moving I've come to notice that once again I'm hitting an awkward stride in certain unfamiliar situations. Which is like 90% of them when you're still getting used to a new place and new people... and WAIT FOR IT, are back in school. At 33 years old.
The place I most notice a different, much weirder version of me appear is at social networking situations through school and church. It's in these situations where I'm forced to introduce myself and talk about what I do. We just had one through my business class and oh man, I was dreaming of doing dishes and laundry- that's how much I wanted out of there. I tried escaping after 30 minutes and then again after 45 but got caught each time. Standing around a room talking to total strangers about my business is so incredibly painful for me... And just plain awkward for everyone involved. And being forced to listen to people's "advice" is enough to make me a full blown introvert. I had a woman tell me I should consider acting classes so I could get in to character at my themed parties. What the? WHY? Please can I leave now? I'm getting weird, you're already weird... I just want to go home and at least blog about this entire weird event. But instead of me sneaking away to the bathroom or something, somehow the extrovert in me still tries to engage people. Suddenly I'm talking about high school drama class and I don't even know why I'm explaining to this woman that I dropped out after 2 weeks... NO. Just stop. No one's taking an acting class, stop acting like it was a good idea and excuse yourself to GO TO THE BATHROOM. End the conversation, it can't be that hard!
Thank God that night redeemed itself with Thai food with a fellow classmate. I'm still ok in one-on-one situations... For now anyway...
Things like church parties and bridal showers have become kind of strained for me as well in my 30's. In my 20's those events were filled with all of my best friends or I was throwing them. But now a days I'm lucky if I know one other person at a shower. If I get cornered in to a conversation I'm not liking I suddenly don't know how to just get out of it like normal people do. Like hello Kenna, take a phone call for goodness sakes, people do that stuff all the time in the movies! Instead I'll do this thing where I can feel myself looking at the person with a look of confused-distain. YOU know that look. Ya, I'm the creator of that look. And if I'm feeling confused or annoyed or like I totally do NOT agree with what's being said (this happens to me a lot at "Christian Woman's" events) I cannot avoid The Look. I used to have a poker face, what happened to my poker face? Can't read my, can't read my... Poker Face...
|Maybe I could make this my Poker Face...?|
And I know, I know- there are all of these ways to work on not being awkward. Like classes and joining public speaking groups. Like this woman who just came to speak to my class and talked about how she coaches a class of women to, "find their inner voice" and they learn yelling and breathing techniques and whhhaaaaaaaat are you even talking about? Why would I want to learn how to breathe when I'm breathing right now? I'm alive, aren't I? And yelling? Trust me, I yell perfectly.
Sometimes I think I'm a lost cause when it comes to social networking. That I'll always just be the awkward, weird, socially-strange girl in a sea of people plugging away their awesome selves. And then sometimes I remember that I am literally one of the most real people I know. I cannot fake-like or pushy-sell anything and it's a blessing and a curse all rolled in to one feisty little package. If you met my mom, you'd understand. So here's to just working on being a more confident version of myself and trusting in my dreams and my work enough to share them proudly without hesitation... Even if I'm awkward in the process.
OR MAYBE JUST THE BEGINNING. Think about it.
xo Party or Die xo