Saturday, April 27, 2013

The Week of The Mom Fail and Things I Swore I'd Never Do as a Mother...

AWWWW.... (Not "AAHH!" But instead "Awwwwww....") (And not as in, "Awwww, cute baby!" but instead, "Awwwwe.... time to relaaaax.... the day is coming to an end...")

Now that we have that cleared up, PICTURE ME: I have my feet up on a newish ottoman, that I searched for high and low for 2 months so that I could do this very thing with my feet. I have my laptop on my lap, fulfilling its intended purpose of being crazy portable. "The Office" is on... "Parks and Rec" is on after this... my husband is putting my children to bed and they have been bathed tonight, amen. The house isn't a total trainwreck and- wait for it- I COOKED DINNER.

My new baby: padded for comfort. Storage for days. It's a one stop shop for convenience.
I am inspired to blog because of two things tonight, one is that last crazy statement that involved me & cooking, and the other is a mom I saw earlier this week at my son's preschool. I'd call her an overachiever.

If you read my blog recently I talked about lacking blog inspiration, but suddenly I am overflowing with it.

Let's start off the inspiring subjects with the thing I mentioned first: cooking. Which brings us to a portion of the blog I would like to call:

"The Week of The Mom Fail..."

Mom Fail: Noun.  
Something, to do with being a mom, that could (and should) have been done differently, as in better. 

MF #1. I am totally jumping ahead to tonight, so we'll backtrack from here. You see, in my attempt to actually cook something tonight, I started a small, somewhat intense fire in the kitchen. The kind where your exchange student walks out and says, "SMOKY!!?" Yes, Mo. Smoky. Thank you, I didn't notice. 

I pretty much despise cooking. And things like starting fires are a big reason. I decided to make my son's night by making my only real specialty: The Taco Bar. Let's just say one thing here. Paper towels keeping the tortillas warm.... Near a stove... Bad combo. I almost panicked at the sight of the fire. But I came through with a risky move we will not mention. Let's just say, fire out: hand still on. Come on, Kenna. Tacos. It's not rocket science.

MF #2. I'm trying to watch my "Freakin'!" and "I'll kill you!" statements lately. Cormac has already started saying them. And, although I never intend to actually kill Shawn when he does things like prompt our dog (I don't like dogs) to, "Give Momma KISSSES!" I tend to yell crazy stuff like, "I'm gonna kill you- stop telling him that!!" when Shawn does things like that. Well, Birdie has caught on and today she said, "Top it, I kill you!" ALL day. To dolls. To me. To strangers. To the car window. And the crazy part is- she's convincing. Never a good phrase for a 21-month-old to learn. Or a 32-year-old. I blame Shawn.

Oh Mohawk... if only Momma wasn't heartless...

MF #3. Yesterday my friend and I decided to take our kids to the pizza parlor. We get there and I
immediately started looking for a highchair. It's a must for Birdie to maintain any sort of normal lunch outing. I know that she is almost 2, but anytime I can strap her in to anything I do. The parlor had no highchairs. I mean, this is 2013 people, a highchair isn't exactly a new invention...? 

We grab a booth and I try to keep her under control until the food gets there. Food arrives. She eats for 3 minutes and then wants OUT of the booth to, you know, mingle a bit with the other restaurant goers... and run around like a mad woman. I say "sit on your bottom!" repeatedly for another 5 minutes so I can finish my salad without chasing her around. I finally give up and a man sitting directly behind us affirms me, "She's fine... she's just walking around!" It puts me at ease and I enter a good convo with my girlfriend. 

A few minutes later the same dude interrupts my conversation with a mildly panicked, "Your daughter is outside by the fountain- she must have ran out the door!" I book it outside and Birdie is thisclose to being INSIDE the fountain. I mean, she can swim, at least I had that going for me. I knew we put all that money in to Daddy & Me lessons for something. Thank you dude who told me to turn off my helicopter propellers... I had them on for a reason thank you! 

MF # 4. I've been trying to work on Birdie's behavior this week, really "tune into her feelings." She didn't seem like herself on Tuesday so I decided, "Hey... we haven't graced the Dr.'s office with our presence in a while... why not cash in on one of those free 'well baby' exams my insurance gives us... I'm sure we're behind by at least two..." (When your husband is a youth pastor and you are a waitress/party planner -oh dear, it's looks even worse when it's typed- you tend to look for all of the free perks healthcare has to offer.) 

So I called the office, and for once in their entire existence they actually had an appointment for us that day. I picked up Cormac for preschool (where I saw my second inspiration for the post) and the 3 of us headed to the pediatrician. I am, at this point, going to make a long story short(er). 

After some tests I learned that my baby Bird is at 50% hearing loss! Holy Moly Mom Fail! Are you kidding me, Doc? He explained to me that although her ear infection from a while back has been cleared up- she is having a hard time "draining" the ears. 

I'm not new to ear issues. I still have them as an adult (hence why I hate water) and my son got tubes inserted a year ago. Anyway, here I've been telling the world how naughty she is and it turns out, as the good Dr. said, "She probably can't hear you- make sure she's looking at you when you engage her." Um, ya. GOOD point... "Things that could have been brought to my attention, YESTERDAY!" (anyone?) Needless to say we're seeing an ear specialist next week.

She was born feisty but I DO think hearing me would work in her favor.
MF #5. Same day. Never a good sign. On the way home from the doctor, Cormac mentions to me, "I did a great smile for picture day today mom!" BRAKE CHECK. "What are you talking about?" I ask, "You already had picture day, remember?" He insists to me they had another picture day and all I can think is, "Crazy talk, maybe it was a little Mother's Day secret photo and he's getting confused..." I get home and run the idea by Shawn. He says, "Oh ya- I knew you must have forgotten by the outfit he wore- they had another picture day for END of school year pictures." 

Really, Preschool? I mean, when I was a kid we were lucky is the photographers remembered to show up one time a year! Why would I need TWO photos from the same year?! And YES, although I thinks it's crazy ridiculous, I absolutely still want the opportunity to dress him in his crazy cutest outfit ever. A-duh, SHAWN. And yes- what would give you the hint that I forgot didn't know, the fact that I sent him in shorts and a stained polo?! (Thank God he had a sweater in his bag and rumor has it- it made it on his body for picture-- these teachers are officially getting a Teach Appreciation Day gift from me). Had I known, I don't know... I might have run down with a brush, some taming spray (have you seeen my son's hair?) pressed pants, plaid shirt, possibly a blue blazer  and yes- a bow tie... always a bow tie. Thank goodness I didn't go cheap on the FIRST pictures from the SAME YEAR he practically JUST took.

                              We do bow ties like they're going out of style...                            
Now let's move onto the next inspiration for this blog post. As I mentioned, I saw Overachiever Mom. What kind of overachieving was she into that inspired me so? She unstrapped her mini toddler and took the child in WITH her to pick up her son from preschool. It got me thinking about all of the things I swore I'd never do when I was a mom (before I was actually a mom), and I remember some of them vividly... So here it is:

The Things I Swore I'd Never Do As A Mother...

I WILL NEVER... Leave my child in the car. I mean, why would you? It's crazy illegal and not only that, really socially unacceptable (like I might be losing friends right now). But seriously people. Preschool? The Post Office? A quick RX pick up? You take them EVERYWHERE? I thought preschool was like, the only acceptable place to leave a child in the car! I mean- I can SEE the car at all times while picking up the other child! My kids don't even complain anymore when I run into a place. My son will compliment me and say, "Wow mom, that was QUICK!" I think he may even time me. It's totally working.

I WILL NEVER... Give my baby a pacifier. Ya. That lasted like, a day. Did it even last a day? I can't remember but I do know all of those early days pics have a pacifier shoved in to the mouth of both children. I'd have strapped it on if I could. Never do a pacifier... good one, Kenna...
Hmmmm... if only I could crawl...
I WILL NEVER... Buy my kid a toy in order to get them to comply with the rest of the shopping trip. Gosh I love these $1 isles... what a deal for obedience! I even say things like, "Now that one there is expensive... so IF I let you get it... do you promise to sit on your bottom while I shop, the ENTIRE time?" When he starts reading prices I'll have to come up with something new. I was using $1 Target popcorn and now he's out of the popcorn stage. And I can't do fruit snacks anymore after our dentist bill, so $1 isle it is...

I WILL NEVER... Say things like, "You're driving me NUTS!" It happens, you know? They drive you nuts, it slips out. Did I KNOW my kids would make me go bonkers? No, I didn't. What did I know, I didn't have kids!

I WILL NEVER... Let my kids be unkempt in public. This one actually makes me laugh out loud, that's how far off from it I am. My mom was always very particular about our faces and clothing being clean. I tried to tap into that. I've come to the conclusion: it's impossible for my children to look clean on a daily basis. Birdie has marker or food on her face at any given time, and Cormac eats his boogers (proudly, I might add). Unless it is a holiday worth dressing up for (i.e., I am starving them to keep their outfits perfect for that picture) I can guarantee they will be slightly ragged, (if not totally ragged)... like gypsy children. Now I count myself proud to call them mine if they've managed to keep both shoes on.

No caption needed.
I WILL NEVER... Let my child tantrum in public. Um... did you know what it was like to try and stop a tantruming child in public Kenna? No, you didn't. Not only is it embarrassing, it only makes things 10x worse. I had this idea that if my child did "that" in public I would look at them sternly and yell, "STOP IT! NOW!" and they would tremble in fear and say, "Sorry momma, I'll be good now" through their remorseful tears. Ya... the best I've come up with is: leave. store. immediately.

I have a slew of other ones that I will not be typing, let's be honest I am not totally insane and yes, I would like to maintain some level of dignity. I also have a few that I have held onto... that I'm sure... one of these years I'll also cave into... but for now I will proudly and ignorantly declare: "I WOULD NEVER LET MY CHILD...."

                                                                  xo Party or Die xo


  1. laugh out loud truly! thanks for dispelling all the mommy myths! keep writing! you are fantastic! and you make me feel like I'm not alone!!!! xxoo

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  8. Stop reading my mail! This is the unbloggiest, truth tellin blog ever. I appreciate you.
    Found your blog through Shauna(PPP)
    So glad she posted it to her facebook.
    Nice to meet you, honest lady :)
    I'm definitely a fan.

  9. P.S. It seems that I and one other lady are the only legit, non robot spammers to comment. What a shame!!! You're too funny for robot spam. And you're right about blogs that are boring having thousands of followers....silly lemmings.

    1. I am so happy Shauna sent you and I hope you'll come back! Nice to meet you too! I just deleted all of my spam, I was trying to make it easy for everyone to comment but now the robots have found me.

    2. Well, I starred you in bookmarks and followed by email, so I'm pretty much committed. Thanks for a much needed laugh this morning. And robot spam is a sign of blog traffic, so rejoice? An issue I'll never have to contend with ;)

  10. Oh my gosh, Kenna, You are hilarious! I am going to share this post with my kids, also parents of young children. If you ever retire as MPM, you can always be a stand-up comic:)


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