Leaving Santa Barbara...

In a way I've been afraid to blog for a while now... Because I know myself so well. I know how attached I get to my stories and that once they are typed I cannot NOT post them. And I've been crazy terrified of what stories I might decide to type. It's like I'm scared of our truth and the messiness of life and the last year because I haven't wanted to hurt or offend anyone.

Part of being married to a pastor, even being just the proverbial "youth pastor's wife" is knowing when to shut up. This is something that comes with the territory and has never been exactly in my wheel house.

I am going to write this from my perspective as a wife, mom, business owner, friend and lover of Jesus.

The last 8 months have been hard for us. Like tears and snot dripping from the nose hard (well that part's mainly been me).

Ending 2013 in Orcutt and starting 2014 in Santa Barbara, Shawn and I felt like we had the world at our finger tips. We may have been leaving our beloved Orcutt... A town we had grown fond of over 5 years; birthed both babies in, purchased a home in and had made life-long friends in... But we were moving to a place with "city life", the beach as our front yard and back in to the church denomination we came from- all things we yearned for.

The idea of Santa Barbara seemed perfect... Everything was looking up for us and the possibilities seemed endless. Location wise, it was an hour closer to our family in LA and it wasn't far from our friends in Orcutt- a win win all around.

Fast forward to now, 15 months later and bluntly put: Santa Barbara hasn't worked out for us. I feel like when I've said that statement to keep things light to those who've asked why we're moving... I get a look of complete bewilderment from a lot of people. Which I get... It's literally a gorgeous place to live (sandwiched between the beach and the mountains). "The Littlest Big City in the World" they say. How could you not be drawn to that, it all sounds likely perfect. Perfect... There is a lot of perfect in this town and well...

We are not perfect. We don't try to be perfect. We embrace the imperfect... Hell, we eat Hot N' Ready Pizza more times a month than I care to admit.

Making friends in this town (and I realize now that we were spoiled before) has been painfully hard. For two extroverts who were used to dinner in groups on average 2 times a week... This has been a downright lonely year for us.

As for the people we do call friends here, I am so thankful to have met you and shared church or Spanish Immersion or feeling like out-casts together. The few friends we've made have been life savers, and I truly mean that- you know who you are.

Overall though... In my 34 years of life, I have never felt like more of an outcast since moving here. It has rocked my confidence level in ways I can't explain. Walking in to my daughter's preschool has at times given me something a little short of a panic attack. Not that I don't love the teachers and the actual program... But going to the school has been like living in the movie Mean Girls. And I can't sit with them, just trust me. (Don't worry- they don't know I have a blog).

Moving on!

As much as I love our cute little bungalow home... Living in it the last 6 months has been the most one of the most unideal set ups a family of four (+ dog + classic car) could imagine. A few months after we moved in the house was sold to a new owner who decided adding a third house in between the front house (ours) and the back house would be a great idea. Our garage was torn down and we were completely stripped of our adorable backyard as scaffolding went up in it to build the new home. Yes, you can practically touch the home being built from our back porch. If you knew how much rent we paid for the area of Santa Barbara we live in, you'd likely laugh at us. And please don't ask why we didn't just buy a house... Google "Santa Barbara housing prices" for that answer. I don't want to say it was NEVER going to happen... but there was a 99.999% chance of that never ever happening. Like, ever.

My business has not "taken off" like we were sure it would. If anything- people from Orcutt like missed me or something and my clientele picked up there. Oh... The irony! I couldn't get people in Santa Barbara to hire me to save my life this last year. It is a very loyal customer base- if I heard this once I heard it a million times. "Once you're in, you're in"... "Give it three years" and "donate parties to the rich people"... Welp. No. None of those are going to work. It hasn't happened and it's been incredibly humbling.

Lastly... The job (Youth Pastor) Shawn came for. While in the end, Santa Barbara has not been the fit we were hoping for... I've learned a lot about my faith through the church and will never regret our decision to come here because of that.

As some of you know I was raised in a charismatic/fundamentalist church. In my late 20's and early 30's I came to resent so much of that fact. I decided I wanted to be, "the opposite kind of Christian" as the church I was raised in. I settled on loving God but [without realizing it completely] hating most Christians. I switched political parties, I stopped doing "cliche Christian things" (like Beth Moore studies)... I made a point to let people know that I was not one of "them". I became bitter towards "the Home School Christians", "the No-Harry-Potter-Christians", "The No-Santa Christians"... It is something I still struggle with but have come a long way with in the last year.

The church we came to Santa Barbara for did something no other church I've attended has done. It showed me a side of Christianity I wanted... And it did it in a healthy way. There wasn't hate or even strife towards the more conservative home-schooling, Santa, Christians... It just wasn't even in the culture of the church. The church embraced deep issues (much too deep for this blog) I hadn't seen Christians at a church I'd attended care about yet.

The problem is... I also learned this year that deep down in my soul- I am still a charismatic... Attending a hymn-loving traditional church. I have a NEED to clap my hands and raise them if I feel lead. I cannot control these aspects of my being, I try to and I fail. If you gave me a flag I cannot promise I would not wave that bad boy in to the air like I just don't care! (Well, maybe not now- but give me 30 years and I AM that lady).

Somehow (God probably had something to do with it) being in a liturgical church the last year has not made me bitter or hateful- it's just opened my eyes to the fact that there are indeed MANY different ways to worship. None is "right"... Just so so different.

I feel like this year has helped Shawn and I figure out our place in ministry and where God is calling us. This has not been an easy decision, if you knew how much I HATED moving you would understand even more how hard of a decision this was to make. It has come with tears and disagreements, utter confusion and so much prayer...

In the end we've decided to return home to the South Bay (Los Angeles) this summer and figure out our next steps there.

We have a road trip lined up after Cormac graduates Kinder- and we're planning to visit lots of friends all over the place. Cormac is on 3 Spanish Immersion waiting lists in the South Bay (none that will top his current school, Adalante Charter School!) and we're prayerful that the Lord will line something up after we return from the road.

If you think of us, we covet your prayers for strength in our marriage during the move (!!!), clarity with our next employment steps... and for our kids to not be totally screwed up from all of this moving.

We're excited for the next journey and looking forward to being near both of our families (babysitters galore, amen hallelujah) and connecting with all of our old friends and introducing our kids to their kids.

We're coming for you LA... I hope you're ready ;)

The O'Briens

(I've got to say that our landlord giving us a 60 Day Notice last night- with a move-out date of exactly Shawn's last day of work... Kind of a nice reminder that we're on the right track. Don't ever ask God for signs if you don't want them... Noted.)

The Burnt-Out Pastor's Wife.

Last week was a kind of a crazy week for me. In summary I left my waitress job at the restaurant and we also announced that my husband got a new job and that we're moving, news we've been waiting to share. With some of my new-found free time I've had a chance to think... which always leads to a blog. Usually a vulnerable one.

I'm not proud of the blog's title. I already know the words "burnt-out" and "pastor" should never be in the same sentence.

I learned a lot of things quickly upon talking on the roll of "pastor's wife". I am not saying my church forced these learnings upon me... I am saying that somewhere along the way to becoming the wife of a pastor I learned that there were expectations.

+ One of them is to always be happy.
+ Lots of smiling and nodding will help you win over the masses.
+ If you don't cook- try taking cooking lessons, so that you can cook great meals for those in the church who need them. Real Woman Cook.
+ Try and lead a bible study at least once a year and preferably invite other pastor wives to join you- showing a united front.
+ You MUST volunteer in Children's Ministry, because you're a woman and every woman has the gift of volunteering with children.
+ Also, try to never stir-the-pot. Instead, be positive, always, even if you don't agree... just pretend you do. If you cannot always be positive then try to at least be positive 99.9% of the time.

These are just a few of the ways in which I failed the church upon taking on my prized title of Youth Pastor's Wife (YPW). I failed all together 6 months in to being a YPW (okay maybe one month). But by 6 months it was obvious. I publicly said our worship needed updating... in a forum about whether or not our worship needed updating. It did. I stand behind that statement, still- 5 years later. I was taken aside and quickly told that pastor's wives have a lot to think about before speaking publicly, like our husband's reputations and essentially that I should probably go back to smiling and nodding. Which is crazy because I have never been a smiler or a nodder.

I knew early on it wasn't going to be an easy role for me to fill but like the President this job is based on approval ratings and so I forged ahead trying to remain positive- the golden rule- in order to have high ratings for my husband and our soon-to-be family.

I reminded myself that I had the whole innocent-baby-growing-inside-my-belly thing going for me and that soon enough that baby would be my connector to all those I'd offended. My baby wouldn't have offensive opinions or a worship style. He would just want to cuddle and rock out to universal well-loved lullabies...preferably ones about God. And who can resist a Pastor Baby cuddle... I mean you're practically cuddling with an angel! I convinced myself my baby would help me better fill my role as YPW. Moms always fit in better in church, known fact. Ask any mom-aged church goer who's not a mom.

And the whole mom thing did work. For a time it did. My red-headed cherub Pastor Baby won over the hearts of many and made my lack of knowledge on the best way to marinate a chicken almost invisible. (Almost.)

Here we are 5 years later and we're leaving this first real-job for my husband. When we made this decision part of me wanted for Shawn to have a complete change of heart and make a career change, not just a church-change. In my heart I know that his calling is to lead youth in to a relationship with Christ, but in my mind I was/am sick of being a pastor's wife. I just want to be a normal God-fearing woman who's married to an insurance agent or a teacher and can go to church and be on committees and have an opinion without affecting reputations and being fearful I'm not fitting the mold. Or that my kid (my grown-up Pastor Baby) is now saying, "poop head" and should know better. PK's should never ever say the word poop.

This 5 years has been full of exciting moments, life-changing moments, happy tears, sad tears, anger and bitterness... It's been full of feeling excited and feeling depleted. I have lost sight of Jesus in the process many times because I have let my annoyance at humans (Christians) become more important than Jesus himself. I have gone from leading a ministry to completely stepping away from everything except Sunday service as a way to guard myself from my hardened heart... that ever growing hardened heart. The heart that remembers every complaint, every criticism... every disapproving note mailed to our personal mailbox. Where I collect bills and wedding invitations and do not want to read about how much you hated my husband's church directory picture. Guess what, I choose it.

While we're leaving our church, I know our church is still a sweet place of worship where many people seek God's will. I have some of the best friends I've ever made in my life from our church. Families who have treated me like family and my kids like their own grandkids. And I am grateful to our church for every lesson learned whether through happy tears or sad tears. I know that every church has issues... because every church is made up of people, imperfect people. And I know that sometimes church gets ugly... just like sometimes family gets ugly, because the church is a family.

We're headed to a new church, 1 hour south, where my husband will take on another Youth Pastor position. We will be moved down to Santa Barbara in less than a month, leaving behind everything our kids have known- from preschool to friendships to Sunday school. While there's excitement and hope, there's also the very real fact that things will not always be perfect there. I will probably still say something that will offend someone and I might still come to resent my role as the imperfect YPW. I know at some point Shawn will tell me something I do not want to hear and I will again wish that he'd become an insurance agent. (Preferably for Progressive, I just love Flo.)

Until that point I will pack the house and stay positive... because I am still a YPW and that is still the golden rule, now isn't it?

This Youth Pastor's Wife,

Kenna

A Christian Mom... {On the Verge of Screaming Some Shit.}

Enticing title, huh? Good, because I've only got one pic- so I'm hoping that title really makes up for it.

I've pretty much been in hiding for a month now. Not from the blog, obviously... But more like from humans. Party season came and went and I thought after that was over I'd want to reconnect with every friend I ever ignored. And that hasn't been the case. Far from it actually.

I woke up this morning and thought about calling a good friend that I haven't seen in a couple weeks. I got to thinking of all the things that we could potentially talk about and the fear that I'd probably say something very Kenna-esque and possibly hurtful zapped out the desire to ever make that phone call.

Not like I ever plan to be harsh- my opinions just tend to come out that way... and so to avoid it I've been more hermit-like than usual. Which is so not me. Why can't I just be all gentle and quiet like I'm "supposed" to be?

I just want to be understood (isn't that all anyone wants?) and sometimes in this town, a town I am very much 'not from', I feel like that simple desire is almost impossible. Since moving to Orcutt, I have felt like the odd [wo]man out. There are times I've rejoiced in this and times when I hate it so much I just want to avoid every mom in town- even my friends.

For starters, almost everyone I know here is Christian. Yaaay... When we moved here I thought that aspect of life would be so cool. "Think of all of the things we'll have in common!" Said me never since moving here. There is nothing like a group of Christian moms to make you realize that just because you love Jesus... you still don't really have that much in common.

There are days I just need to have friends where I can say the word SHIT without ever looking for the rewind button. Days I want to say things that have been stuck in the back of my mind without littering it with every apology I know. I just want to be ME... not the me that fits in with every other mom, with the clean house and kids who always listen and #mymarriagerocks! hashtags... But ME, right now. I want to be able to tell my kids to "hurry up" without feeling like I just said the two words that have been recently made known- NO mom should say...

ANYONE? GET ME?

I don't want to feel like saying the word, "blessed" is my ticket to being understood. That word has suddenly become so very annoying to me. I cannot handle Christianese in any form anymore. I cannot handle the Christian bubble. Right now in my life, I am so sensitive to "the bubble" for a number of reasons.

It has become so clear to me as Cormac's gotten older that I don't want any part in raising children to be "perfect little Christians." I'm over that idea. I want to raise rebels who love Christ and who get people thinking... and if they say, "sucks" or "freaking"... that's OK with me. Maybe someone who doesn't know Christ will actually listen to them.

Some days I long for my old friends who know me inside and out and accept me as I am. If I'm honest... I miss my old clique I guess.

In the past few years I've been utterly annoyed by moms who all think the same- and now I hate to admit it, I am one of them with my own set of think-the-same friends... and I get it. Life is easier when you surround yourself with a bunch of like-minded people...

So much so that in the last year I feel like I've created a long list in my head of things my friends should agree with me on... and it's really becoming apparent lately. It's quite disturbing, even to me- the list creator! It's something I need to acknowledge... and fix.... Because hello- I cannot be friends with a bunch of clone-Kenna's. But goodness my life would be so much easier- and I'd get all the validation I ever wanted!

Schooling is a huge subject where I live, maybe everywhere. It could be I'm just realizing it because Cormac will be starting Kindergarten next year. Well, this shouldn't be a shock if you already know me, but we are very-much choosing public school, as in the public school in our neighborhood where he is zoned to go. Maybe one day I will be bold enough to write about why I think that is an important decision. As a Christian in our town, this is almost unheard of to choose public over the very popular private school or the number of home school co-ops. I find myself feeling like I can't bring this topic up in most of my friend-groups for fear that I won't be understood or that I'll offend everyone with my opinions. I feel like I am so the odd-man out on this topic... that well, I'd rather just hang out with my clone friends because it's easier.

Politics? Oh, let's not even go there. It's impossible, I've given up.

I am considering not even joining our local bible study, which I've done for years, because I don't want to be annoyed with the constant home school and private school conversations... littered with political jousts at our President and how one party is literally, the only possible way to go.

I mean, how am I even still a Christian?

And why am I so annoyed? I used to love differences in people... but since having kids the differences have become so polarizing. And not being in the "in-crowd" clique is actually a bit harder than it was in high school... In high school cliques are expected... in adult life, well... I wasn't quite expecting this. And not to say I don't have a clique. I do. It's small, so small that on some days it only has one member... one member who prefers to craft and blog than talk about her "children being blessings." Not that I don't think they are but I have other things to talk about.

It's probably about time I really sat down with the President of my clique {Myself?} and did a little self evaluation. But I'm perfect, why would I ever need to self evaluate...

It's a good thing we're going on vacation soon... maybe I can take some time to think about how I'm contributing to the tension with {mainly Christian} moms in this town. If you don't feel it, maybe you're not in a clique. And good for you, seriously... Can we hang out and start our own clique?

*Did I mention my husband is a pastor? Oh, I didn't... maybe for good reason...

Do I see a clique a formin'?