A Christian Mom... {On the Verge of Screaming Some Shit.}

Enticing title, huh? Good, because I've only got one pic- so I'm hoping that title really makes up for it.

I've pretty much been in hiding for a month now. Not from the blog, obviously... But more like from humans. Party season came and went and I thought after that was over I'd want to reconnect with every friend I ever ignored. And that hasn't been the case. Far from it actually.

I woke up this morning and thought about calling a good friend that I haven't seen in a couple weeks. I got to thinking of all the things that we could potentially talk about and the fear that I'd probably say something very Kenna-esque and possibly hurtful zapped out the desire to ever make that phone call.

Not like I ever plan to be harsh- my opinions just tend to come out that way... and so to avoid it I've been more hermit-like than usual. Which is so not me. Why can't I just be all gentle and quiet like I'm "supposed" to be?

I just want to be understood (isn't that all anyone wants?) and sometimes in this town, a town I am very much 'not from', I feel like that simple desire is almost impossible. Since moving to Orcutt, I have felt like the odd [wo]man out. There are times I've rejoiced in this and times when I hate it so much I just want to avoid every mom in town- even my friends.

For starters, almost everyone I know here is Christian. Yaaay... When we moved here I thought that aspect of life would be so cool. "Think of all of the things we'll have in common!" Said me never since moving here. There is nothing like a group of Christian moms to make you realize that just because you love Jesus... you still don't really have that much in common.

There are days I just need to have friends where I can say the word SHIT without ever looking for the rewind button. Days I want to say things that have been stuck in the back of my mind without littering it with every apology I know. I just want to be ME... not the me that fits in with every other mom, with the clean house and kids who always listen and #mymarriagerocks! hashtags... But ME, right now. I want to be able to tell my kids to "hurry up" without feeling like I just said the two words that have been recently made known- NO mom should say...

ANYONE? GET ME?

I don't want to feel like saying the word, "blessed" is my ticket to being understood. That word has suddenly become so very annoying to me. I cannot handle Christianese in any form anymore. I cannot handle the Christian bubble. Right now in my life, I am so sensitive to "the bubble" for a number of reasons.

It has become so clear to me as Cormac's gotten older that I don't want any part in raising children to be "perfect little Christians." I'm over that idea. I want to raise rebels who love Christ and who get people thinking... and if they say, "sucks" or "freaking"... that's OK with me. Maybe someone who doesn't know Christ will actually listen to them.

Some days I long for my old friends who know me inside and out and accept me as I am. If I'm honest... I miss my old clique I guess.

In the past few years I've been utterly annoyed by moms who all think the same- and now I hate to admit it, I am one of them with my own set of think-the-same friends... and I get it. Life is easier when you surround yourself with a bunch of like-minded people...

So much so that in the last year I feel like I've created a long list in my head of things my friends should agree with me on... and it's really becoming apparent lately. It's quite disturbing, even to me- the list creator! It's something I need to acknowledge... and fix.... Because hello- I cannot be friends with a bunch of clone-Kenna's. But goodness my life would be so much easier- and I'd get all the validation I ever wanted!

Schooling is a huge subject where I live, maybe everywhere. It could be I'm just realizing it because Cormac will be starting Kindergarten next year. Well, this shouldn't be a shock if you already know me, but we are very-much choosing public school, as in the public school in our neighborhood where he is zoned to go. Maybe one day I will be bold enough to write about why I think that is an important decision. As a Christian in our town, this is almost unheard of to choose public over the very popular private school or the number of home school co-ops. I find myself feeling like I can't bring this topic up in most of my friend-groups for fear that I won't be understood or that I'll offend everyone with my opinions. I feel like I am so the odd-man out on this topic... that well, I'd rather just hang out with my clone friends because it's easier.

Politics? Oh, let's not even go there. It's impossible, I've given up.

I am considering not even joining our local bible study, which I've done for years, because I don't want to be annoyed with the constant home school and private school conversations... littered with political jousts at our President and how one party is literally, the only possible way to go.

I mean, how am I even still a Christian?

And why am I so annoyed? I used to love differences in people... but since having kids the differences have become so polarizing. And not being in the "in-crowd" clique is actually a bit harder than it was in high school... In high school cliques are expected... in adult life, well... I wasn't quite expecting this. And not to say I don't have a clique. I do. It's small, so small that on some days it only has one member... one member who prefers to craft and blog than talk about her "children being blessings." Not that I don't think they are but I have other things to talk about.

It's probably about time I really sat down with the President of my clique {Myself?} and did a little self evaluation. But I'm perfect, why would I ever need to self evaluate...

It's a good thing we're going on vacation soon... maybe I can take some time to think about how I'm contributing to the tension with {mainly Christian} moms in this town. If you don't feel it, maybe you're not in a clique. And good for you, seriously... Can we hang out and start our own clique?

*Did I mention my husband is a pastor? Oh, I didn't... maybe for good reason...

Do I see a clique a formin'?